March 17, 2017

Personal | Infertility Journey, Continued

For those of you who followed along or reached out since my last infertility post, thank you. You have no idea how much your kind words, “me too”s, prayers, love and support mean to me. In some ways I feel like I was given this journey for a reason; I have turned into my own form of Mama Bear to many woman going through this awful ride too. It is immensely healing to talk to other woman with the same hopeless feeling. For those of you outside this circle you might think that is depressing but there is so much community around the empty womb.

I debated sharing “this part” of our journey. I have wrestled with it for days but I eventually came to the conclusion that it felt right to share. After our diagnosis of unexplained infertility we did LOTS of soul searching. Are we testing God’s will by moving forward with fertility treatments was the question I kept repeating over and over. We took a break from doctors appointments for 6 months and changed our insurance to the only plan that partially covered fertility treatments.

On Monday I had my first IUI procedure. The last three days have been long, so, so long. I have kept busy with meetings and coffee dates but always in the back of my mind I am thinking “is the fertilized egg implanting yet?” “Has the egg even been fertilized yet?” “What if this fails?” “How will I ever pick myself up after that?” I will shamelessly admit I have cried, at some point, every day since the procedure (and I will probably continue that trend). This procedure has a 12.4% success rate for us. 12.4%, do you know how small that is? How many drugs, blood draws, ultrasounds, and sleepless nights I have had? All for 12.4%. But in that tiny number is a glimmer of hope. I want to be included in that very small number of success stories.

I will have a pretty awesome pregnancy announcement if this works but if you don’t see it, please be nice to my feelings and don’t ask. So, I just have a simple ask, if you are the praying type just ask God to have his will done. That is a huge shift I am trying to have in all this chaos. Thy will be done. His plans are so much bigger than mine.

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